The idea for TODDLERSPEAK (the toddler lexicon) was conceived, appropriately, at the playground.

It was noticed that though the toddlers present effortlessly conversed with each other, parents had a hard time understanding the speech of any child other than their own.

This is also a social experiment to find out whether the jargon used by toddlers is localized or national.

Above all, the website is for laughs; because all of the cute toddlerspeak parents enjoy will one day be replaced by adult talk. And adult talk is just no fun.

Here’s how it works:

1) Submit your lexicon entry by ‘commenting’ under the appropriate letter.

2) Your submission will be reviewed for appropriateness. Witty or clever? Allowed. Profane? Not allowed.

3) All submissions that fit the above rule will be accepted as each is considered unique.

4) Allow 24 hours for your submission to move from the comment section to the corresponding field in the lexicon.

5) Please include your state as this is also an experiment to see whether toddlerspeak is localized or national.

6) Submissions in English are preferred, but all languages will be accepted.

Visit the website by clicking www.toddlerspeak.com.

“Barbie has been up against tough competition recently, like interactive video games and her glitzier rivals from MGA Entertainment, the Bratz dolls. But her maker, Mattel (NYSE:MAT - News), said on Jan. 29 that it’s been keeping sales up nonetheless and managing to improve profits.” - Y!News

Deliver the baby. Ha-ha-ha-haw… Bad joke? Okay, watch this video to find out some ‘real’ secrets from a ‘real’ mom. She has 3 kids, so I assume she’s experienced. Via Y!Video.

Okay, okay, okay. How about: The secret to losing baby weight? … Get your partner an Ergo carrier. Still not funny? I guess I’ll keep my day job.

Daily Candy (arbiter of all things hip, cool, and hard to find) just did an email for Wal-Mart (arbiter of all things cheap, mass-produced and arguably manufactured on the backs of exploited employees). It’s a promo for a Super Bowl party something and came in the guise of a Daily Candy’s Kids email.

Once Daily Candy attached that gazillion dollar price tag, I knew this was not far down the road.

You’re the last woman on earth. You’ve survived some strange Global Warming catastrophe along with two fine specimens of male humanity: Superman and Bozo the Clown. You must choose one to be your lifelong partner in hopes to repopulate earth. Who do you choose?

This bit of comic book questioning came after a party my wife attended with my son (I was too sick to bare being around other parents). She had come out to her waiting chauffer to advise him – me – that the party was in full swing and it was just time for the main event, professional entertainers. I needed to wait a few – thirty – minutes more.

As she re-entered the apartment she came up on the said entertainers, Superman and his clown sidekick descending the stairs from what she assumed was their dressing room.

“Hell-lowww!” they said in a sultry manner, popularized by the WBs Animaniacs.

She restrained her laugh until later during the actual show as the ill-paired two ran through a very unpredictable set – imagine Superman requesting balloon toys while trying to save Metropolis from the invasion of the tiny people.

She relayed the story to me later and we laughed as we drove away, imaging what other entertainment duos might exists – Batman and Kiki the Dancing Dog? Spider-man and Winnie the Pooh? The Hulk and Tinkerbell?

It was obvious that an impression was left on my son, for as we drove he yelled from behind his newly acquired cardboard cut-out mask, “Superman! Superman! I Superman!”

The Sunday Times Magazine had an interesting fashion spread featuring kids sporting sporty attire. There’s a free slideshow online that you can see by clicking here.

POP’S PICK: Jackass for hipsters. Idiotrod returns! Why go? Because PBR is cheap, carts are fast and these kids are out of control.

*Big Mama turns twenty@#%$ today. Happy birthday! Dinner at Counter (dutch?). UPDATE: Dinner at Counter was bland in the way most people think vegetarian food is. No one finished their plates which made the waiter joke, “The chef might feel bad… but I don’t care.”

FRIDAY
GrandmaDowntime
FYI
Friday January 26 2007 6:00 pm-9:00 pm
The Video Data Bank, Video Art, and Artist Interviews Programs 2 & 3
MoMA, 11 W 53rd St, 212.708.9400
FREE
The Video Data Bank, a Chicago institution that pioneered the distribution of video art in the VHS era, turns 30 and MoMA celebrates with a week of screenings.
http://www.corporatepa.com/contentpage.php?calendarid=6002

ArtKrush
Diggin’ Doug
In connection with sleepwalkers, Aitken is also screening New Day for Creative Time’s The 59th Minute. Subverting the media barrage at Times Square, The 59th Minute shows 60-second videos during the last minute of every hour between ads on the NBC Astrovision screen. Made about the cityscape, for the cityscape, these two Aitken works herald a new approach to public art that humanizes the urban landscape by relating personally to the viewer.
http://www.creativetime.org/programs/archive/59/index.html

SATURDAY
FlavorPill
International Airport Montello and Andamio
when: Sat 1.27 (6-8pm)
where: Art in General (79 Walker St, 212.219.0473) map
price: FREE
links: http://www.artingeneral.org/
AiG’s sixth-floor gallery, given an overhaul by Steven Learner Studio, re-opens with two new commissions: eteam’s multichannel video installation International Airport Montello and Andamio (Temporary Frameworks), by the young Mexican sculptor Alejandro Almanza Pereda.

TONYKids
Paved with gold
Take a trip from the sun to Earth with Morgan Taylor’s Gustafer Yellowgold: Like a slightly less trippy Pink Floyd Laser Show, Morgan Taylor’s Gustafer Yellowgold’s Wide Wild World, being screened this weekend at the Museum of the Moving Image, follows yellow alien Gustafer on a musical journey from the sun to Earth.
Sat 27 at 2pm. Museum of the Moving Image, 35th Avenue at 36th Street, Astoria (718- 784-0077, movingimage.us). Subway: G, R to Steinway St; N to 36th Ave. $10, free for toddlers on laps.

DailyCandy
Windowsill Gardening Series
What: Learn to build your own glass terrarium filled with creeping figs, ferns, and begonias.
Why: They don’t call you ho for nothin’.
When: Sat., 2 p.m.
Where: Wave Hill House, 249th St., at Independence Ave., Bronx. R.S.V.P. to 718-549-3200 ext. 305.

TONYKids
Shake a leg!
At the Whitney, body parts make art: It’s never too young to begin getting excited about art, as this popular museum program proves. The theme at the Whitney changes monthly, and this week it’s all about having an interactive (and physical) experience with art.
Sat 27 10–11am. Whitney Museum of American Art, 945 Madison Ave at 75th St (212-570-3633; family programs 212-671-5300; whitney.org). Subway: 6 to 77th St. $10 per family; member families $8. No advance ticket purchase is necessary. Please arrive at least 15 minutes before the program begins.

FlavorPill
Idiotarod 2007
when: Sat 1.27 (TBA)
where: TBA Brooklyn location
price: $25 per team / Free for spectators
links: http://cartsofbrooklyn.com/
If Alaska’s Iditarod is a competition of endurance, then NYC’s annual Idiotarod is a competition of lunacy, if not idiocy. Replacing dog sleds with shopping carts, frozen wilderness with city pavement, and physical stamina with high alcohol tolerance, this is a barbarically brilliant spectacle to both see and experience.

TONYKids
Going live
Bart Collins must destroy his evil piano teacher’s plan in this 1953 film from Dr. Seuss: The only live-action film ever written by Dr. Seuss, The 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T., focuses on Bart Collins, a young boy who lives with his widowed mother Heloise.
Sat 27 at 11am and 2pm. Leonard Nimoy Thalia, Symphony Space, 2537 Broadway at 95th Street (212-864-5400, symphonyspace.org). Subway: 1, 2, 3 to 96th St. $8–$10.

SUNDAY
UrbanBaby
Mundo Niños
In this family matinee concert, percussionists and composers Roberto Rodriguez and Susie Ibarra blend Latin, Asian, American and African world music in their songs for children.
When: Sun., 1/28, 12pm; $15/adults, $10/children under 12.
Where: Joe’s Pub, 425 Lafayette St., 212-967-7555, joespub.com.

WillyBees
Ernie & Neal
Sunday, January 27th, 11am-1pm
Willy Bee’s Music-and- Brunch series
Ernie and Neal take the Willy Bee stage with their high-energy, fun-lovin’ family music. Typical of a show is the entire audience, young and old alike, dancing in and out of their seats as Ernie & Neal explore many different genres of music like rock, reggae, ska, jazz, folk, bluegrass and more. Check them out at www.ernieandneal.com
Suggested donation of $5/person or $12/family goes to the band.

UrbanBaby
Battery Park Art
Introduce young art lovers to unique works created by kids, teens and adults at the annual exhibition’s opening reception.
When: Sun., 1/28, 1-3pm; All ages; Free[zing].
Where: Battery Park City (West St. to Hudson River, bet. Chambers & Pier A), 212-267-9700.

UrbanBaby
Kid-Pa-Loo-Za
Kiddie rockers AudraRox and David Weinstone and Music for Aardvarks celebrate city kids in upbeat tunes from their latest CDs at this family fest.
When: Sun., 1/28, David Weinstone 3:30pm, AudraRox 4:30pm; $30/family, $15/individual.
Where: The Hook, 18 Commerce St., Brooklyn, 718-797-3007, thehookmusic.com.

TUESDAY
ArtKrush
Graffiti Research Lab
From its headquarters at Eyebeam, a nonprofit arts and technology studio, GRL researches and develops open-source technologies for graffiti artists, modeling their use with a growing number of innovative and often humorous projects. The Lab’s recent, provisional Homeland Security Advisory Tower is a case in point — strategically placed on the facade of 11 Spring Street, LED lights spelled out current governmentally established levels of security threats, with “HIGH” blinking throughout the project’s run.
Check out Graffiti Research Lab’s current projects at Eyebeam Open Office Hours on Tuesdays from 2-4pm.
http://eyebeam.org/about/about.php?page=calendar

My hairy little son so needs this:

“An authentic shaving kit just like Dad’s—but made safe for little ones! Kids can “lather up” with the pretend shaving cream and brush, get a close shave with the realistic razor…even get a “haircut” with the buzzing clippers and whirring blow-dryer! 20 pieces. Our exclusive. (3-8 years)” - ToysToGrowOn

“Today’s kids mean war. Only this time, you’re on the opposing side, trying to keep things clean. So brace yourself with SquidSoap, an ingenious invention meant to encourage incorrigible kids everywhere to wash their hands properly.” - DailyCandy

“Kidpoop is a website for kids (and parents) who have no reserves about experiencing something fresh, rare, neat and sometimes weird” - via PS

See what all the hype is about. That’s Turtle Power! Not purple power.

I hated ‘em then, I’ll probably hate ‘em now, but we’ll see what my son thinks:

“After the defeat of their old arch nemesis, The Shredder, the Turtles have grown apart as a family. Struggling to keep them together, their rat sensei, Master Splinter, becomes worried when strange things begin to brew in New York City. Tech-industrialist Max Winters is amassing an army of ancient monsters to apparently take over the world.” - via PS too

That reminds me. Pinky & The Brain The Movie… Now that’s a great idea.

Cool pubic art issue of ArtKrush. Bundle up the little bundles and go!

“With public art moving away from stand-alone sculptures towards interactive, multimedia experiences, the folks at New York’s Creative Time and London’s Artangel are recruiting new media artists for a range of experimental projects. Doug Aitken’s narrative projections on the facade of MoMA and Scanner’s Night Jam website are among recent commissions, and New York-based Graffiti Research Lab is designing ever more inventive additions to the urban landscape.” - ArtKrush

“The kids don’t care what kind of effort and planning you put into it. They’re kids.” - Linda Zwicky, mother and co-founder of Birthdays Without Pressure, an advocacy group for modest, stress-free party planning for children.

Get this, on the website you can rate your community’s pressure. Click here and rate away!

New York - 11 (111 respondents): 11-15 – “Extreme pressure community. Seek out an ally and begin the counter-revolution one birthday party at a time.”

Since I’ve become a dad, films about babies creep me out, films about poverty are off-putting and violent films make my skin crawl.

Turtles Can Fly is undoubtedly the most creepy, off-putting film that made my skin crawl, but Tsotsi, the Gavin Wood directed film set in a South African ghetto, comes really close.

Tsotsi is the leader of a three-man stick-up crew. After a botched commuter train robbery in which the victim dies a gruesome but silent death, the small posse disbands and Tostsi sets off on his own.

He’s a Robin Hood character that got the stealing from the rich part of his act down, but does not embrace giving to the poor.

For his first solo job Tsotsi, more boy than man, car jacks a woman entering her upscale home. Unable to properly pilot the vehicle he crashes into a pole on a desolate street and discovers that there is an infant strapped in the back seat. And thus begins the saga.

Tsotsi decides to me the dad he never had, but a child himself, he has no experience with infants. He transports the baby in a paper shopping bag, offers a can of condensed milk when the baby cries (which results in ants infesting the bag) and forces a young mother to breastfeed the child at gunpoint.

The ending is predictable, but the body of the film with its surreal cinematic quality, is an excellent, though fictional, portrayal of strife in Johannesburg.

Think Two Men And A Baby starring the favela youth from City Of God and you will come close to the plot and cinematography of Tsotsi.

Call me a prude, but I’m not a fan of golden showers (neither giving nor receiving) – actually that’s not technically true since I’ve never tried it. Prudish Prudence, that’s me. So how did I find myself nude and in the midst of a ‘golden’ experience with a guy named Patrick? Hold your homoerotic horses, let me explain.

The above occurrence doesn’t detail my foray into the dark and seamy world of alternate and perverse pleasures (which includes Donkey Punching, Felching, and, Necrophilia); instead it was just another day of being the parent of a toddler.

Our apartment is small – small as in two-is-a-crowd small. But it does have one luxury, a bathtub. It was in this bathtub and not at a no-tell motel that I met Patrick in my most compromising position. By the way, call him Pat, he prefers that.

As I knelt with lather covering my entire body and face (I was showering, not bathing) I realized that I had an unbearable urge to pee. Squinting to avoid Trader Joe’s Lavender soap from getting into my eyes and not willing to truncate my shower, I decided that there would be little harm in going in the tub. I’d simply run the showerhead and guide the piss down the drain quickly.

As I let go I expected to hear the pee hitting the porcelain basin of the tub, but instead I felt its warmth splashing back on my upper thigh. That’s when I realized that Pat was in the shower with me. By the way, never call him Rick, he hates the name Rick.

I wiped my eyes clear of soap and saw Pat staring up at me, mouth open, gargling.

Gross! I thought.

Pat is the bathtub buddy my two-year-old son’s grandparents had bought him for Christmas (see picture above), best friend to SpongeBob SquarePants and village idiot. I imagined this instance being included in an animated version of the controversial cartoon. A sort of SpongeBob Gone Wild episode. Scenes so wild they could not be shown on TV.

Poor Pat. He’s known to sing, “I’ve got soap in my eye,” when his belly button is pressed, so I guess he thought that washing his face in my pee would somehow help his situation.

p.s. Pat has since been removed from the tub. He now hangs out of sight somewhere between the washing machine and the cleaning supplies.