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“Please check one of the boxes below to indicate your race.”

[] White
[] African-American
[] American Indian
[] Alaskan Native
[] Asian
[] Other Pacific Islander

It sounds like a simple enough task, but when stated in long form, “Please define your entire linage by putting a check in one of our racially conforming boxes,” it becomes a little more difficult to put the pen to paper.

Being Jamaican, with Cuban relatives, the term African-American never sat well with me. I’m not African nor American (though many would care to disagree), I identify more readily with being Caribbean. So I just say I’m Black.

My wife says she is Jewish, but that would be twice removed since her Hungarian Jewish dad married a blue-blooded American woman, and in the culture/religion it’s the woman that carries on the ‘Jewishness’, not the men.

So what does all of this make our son?

We’ve had a few funny suggestions from total strangers that awkwardly try to ‘place’ our son. Such as the Korean vegetable storeowner who at around 4 months described him as “halfie-halfie”. Or the strange middle-aged Hispanic man who felt the need to share a bit of Confucianism as he left a bodega. On seeing my wife, our baby, and myself he stated “Black and White make Brown.” Which made me remember the racial formulas in that old Public Enemy song Fear of a Black Planet.

To further confuse people, my wife and I have come up with our own funny little term that describes our son best: Jewmaican. As in Jewish + Jamaican = Jewmaican.

I’m not sure how many other Jewmaicans are out there, but I’m pretty certain that if there are any, they’re all listening to Matisyahu right now. And my son will probably dislike the term and go through his own ‘what am I’ predicament later in life.

For now, it’s a gag, a quick response to all the parents that say “He looks so…” and fail to come up with a proper adjective.

I’ve designed a tee shirt for my son. The original had Bob Marley wearing a t-shirt with the Star of David on it. Below the graphic it read ‘jewmaican schmatamuffin’. Café Press removed that shirt because of the ‘likeness’ issue (luckily I ordered one before the ban), and so I’ve designed these other, less hardcore/more cutesy tees. I also had the time to think up a tee for my Korean/Caucasian friend’s son.

For more information on the mixed-race movement (because your child is involuntarily a part of it) visit the MAViN foundation website.

If you have an idea for a tee that celebrates your child’s ‘mix’, post it in the comments and I’ll design and make it available to you via email attachment or Café Press. Or if you’d like to get one of the original jewmaican schmatamuffin tees just ask for it!

My wife recently started exhibiting a bit of jealously toward the relationship I have with my son. It wasn’t like I caught her spiking his soy with Cyanide, or doping him up with an overdose of PediaCare NightRest. It was much more mundane.

I can’t blame her either, like a new girlfriend our son took up 90% of my thoughts and actions, leaving the other ten to be divided between wife, work, creative projects such as this and friends (more or less in that order). As a new dad I thought these proportions to be pretty on point.

The first notice I made of my wife’s change in attitude was on arriving happily home one evening. Greeting them, I kissed my son, nuzzled with him a little, then turned to give my wife some similar affection. “So now I come second?” she asked, and that’s when I smelled smoke.

I tried to dismiss what I had noticed, but from bad days to PMS, none of these types of things could explain away what she had said and the way she acted. Then I slowly came to the realization that there was trouble in paradise.

Possible reasons?

Sexual frustration
Though the demands of babies, toddlers and all the rest of family life mean that a candlelit dinner for two may be the exception rather than the rule, it is possible that like 65% of respondents to a BabyCenter poll, my wife finds me sexier than ever. 57% of respondents in another survey said a simple kiss helps keep their love life alive. To my chagrin there was no mention of bondage, blindfolds or bunny suits. I guess I’ll have to find other stats to convince her.

Going it alone
You might feel that you’re doing everything you can, and it’s all honkie-dorie, but have you asked her?

Again via BabyCenter poll, 80% of women think they bear the brunt of all things baby. And surprise-surprise, 62% of dads that responded admitted that their partner serves as snookums’ personal slave.

Fear
What if like a brainwashed teen you feel as though any hanky-panky will simply lead to more papooses to pamper? In response to this question an iVillage ‘expert’ responded: “It is common for fear of pregnancy to dampen sexual desire. [You] may have good reason to avoid sex if your children were not planned. And certainly abstinence is good birth control, but definitely hard on a marriage!”

So what do you do?

Experts agree that it is important to treat your new familial arrangement with kid gloves in order to ensure that everyone (including yourself) gets their fare share.

For me, I found a lot of my wife’s concerns to be truthful. In trying to be the best dad I could possibly be, I had temporarily forgotten all the love, laughter and lewd behavior that had landed me the role.

For some dads, patriarchal tendencies are slow coming. Yet for others, we go through the pregnancy secretly wishing we had a womb. For the latter, Junior’s arrival firmly sticks a wedge between fatherhood and flirtation, and it takes a huge conscious effort to dislodge it.

Luckily for my wife and I all it took was conversation and a relationship agreement to get this all behind us, striking up a new 40% 40% 20% deal. We have a lot of PG rated fun to get things warmed up for when our son goes ‘night-night’. And he’s all the better for it. A little lover, he now delivers miniature massages, is okay taking 5 minutes to cuddle infornt of the TV, and hugs and kisses like nobody’s business.

POP’S PICK: A photographer myself (though I haven’t picked-up my Hassy in months) I have great admiration for the work of Davina Z.

I was first introduced to her work while strolling down Prince Street in the dreaded crush of Sohoistas. Her still life (yet full of life) portrait collection ‘Land of the Lost Toys’ caught my eye as her ’salesperson’ sat behind one of those foldable Formica tables taking up some much coveted vending real estate. Strapped for cash, and more curious than on a quest to procure, I passed on the chance to purchasing her art at dramatically reduced prices.

This I wont pass on. I’ll be lining up to have my son’s portrait taken with Mr. Snuggles as part of the photographer’s “transitional objects” photo exhibit. Maybe I’ll even bring along my broken but beautiful Lion Force Voltron action figure to pose with myself … if I can find it that is.

[update on last weekend: Uncle Rock rocked with his amped-up renditions of superhero songs and zany tales.]

FRIDAY
Winter Festival: Coming In from the Cold
Lefferts Historic House
No TV? No video games? No radio? Ever wonder what folks in the past did during winter? Kids can play historic indoor games, help build and repair toys and tools, and view a special winter exhibit of winter tools, historic dolls, and other toys.
Daily 2/18/06-2/26/06
Time: 12n-4pm
Cost: Free

Tappin’ to the Beat
Children’s Museum of Manhattan
Wendy Levine and Taproute, an ensemble of tap dancers and jazz musicians, perform a program of swing, Latin, bebop, funk, and classical music. Seating in the CMOM Theater is limited. Tickets are distributed on a first-come, first-served basis beginning at 12:30pm. [212.721.1234]
Ages: 3 and up
Time: 2pm & 3pm
Cost: Free with museum admission.
PLUS! Art of Andy Warhol
The exhibition features 18 original Warhol paintings depicting animals and tin toys, and screenprints from Warhol’s Myth Series, including Uncle Sam and the Wicked Witch of the West. Kids can interact by making a Warhol-inspired silkscreen print; dress up in costumes based on the Myth Series and take home a photo of themselves in costume; and have a family photo taken, to include in a unique photo album.

SATURDAY
What a Wonderful Kind of Day
Join Arthur, D.W. and all their pals in a fun-filled animated series based on Marc Brown’s best-selling books. Screenings include three great adventures: Arthur’s Pet Business, D.W. the Copycat and Pet Peeved.
When: Sat., 2/25 at 2pm, Running time 40 minutes; All ages; Free.
Where: Sony Wonder Technology Lab, 56th St. & Madison Ave., 212-833-7858 (Call for reservations; remaining tickets are distributed starting at 1:45pm day-of-screening)

Willy Bee’s
302 Metropolitan Ave.
February 26th 3:00-7:00pm
Dinner and Dancing
Soul Celebration with Live Jazz!
Enjoy a catered soul food dinner and dance the afternoon away to live jazz and soul music!
Who: Kids ages 0 and up
Where: Willy Bee’s Family Lounge
Cost: $5 per child; $2 for additional siblings

Last of the Dragons
Princes are supposed to save princesses from dragons. But what if neither the princess nor the dragon wants to cooperate? Based on the book by E. Nesbit, The Last of the Dragons tells the story of a princess and dragon, both determined to break from tradition, but for very different reasons.
When: Sat. & Sun., 2/25 & 2/26, 12pm & 2pm; All ages; $15.
Where: Manhattan Children’s Theatre, 52 White St., 212-352-3101

SUNDAY
The Doudou Project
What: Kids (and you) pose with favorite tattered doll, old teddy bear, or doudou (that’s French for security blankie) to become part of a photography exhibition on “transitional objects.”
Why: You’re attached.
When: Sat. & Sun., 11 a.m.-5 p.m.
Where: Pomme, 81 Washington St., b/t Front & York Sts., DUMBO (718-855-0623).

The Ugly Duckling
West Side YMCA
Manhattan - Midtown West
A musical adaptation of the classic story by Hans Christian Andersen. Arrive an hour early for the hands-on pre-show arts workshop (add $5 to the ticket price) where kids can make a special art project to take home as a souvenir. Order tickets in advance. At the Marjorie Dean Little Theatre, 5 West 63rd Street. [212.866.5170]
Fri-Sun 2/24/06-3/12/06
Time: Fri 6pm; Sat-Sun 2pm & 5pm
Cost: $15

Family Disco: Super Hero Dance
511 Lexington Avenue, Club LQ, New York, NY 10017
Calling all Catwomen, Spidermen, and Ninjas! Kids and adults explore their Super sides with a Super Hero dance at Deb’s Family Disco this afternoon. And Spiderman himself takes a spin on the dance floor, too! There’s a full bar for adults, wacky snacks for kids, and included are all your disco “musts” - disco ball necklaces, funky tattoos, and plenty of glitter. [212.586.7425]
Time: 2pm-3:30pm
Cost: $12/ Person

Another day, another naked nipple. And no, this time it was not from my wife or bustyblondes.com. I got mindlessly flashed by a total stranger - again.

In the neighborhood public space new mothers call ‘sanctuary’ and the rest of us male moms call ‘maddening-baby-café-but-where-else-do-I-go-when-it’s-20-degrees-outside,’ every day is Mardi Gras … and more boobs bounce about than on Bourbon Street on Fat Tuesday.

Unlike the French Quarter where men are drawn to the bossoms like a newborn after a 6-hour nap, dads like me could do without the free show. But like it or not, similar to tigresses marking their territory with piss, modern day moms use a tool equal in acridity to shoo away an unwanted stranger from the brood. They use the Militant Lactating Mammary.

It usually happens as soon as the subject of men arises in my presence. I’m sitting, enjoying a bit of Tales from the Other Side when – BOOYAH! BREAST! Without fail a mom will simply raise her shirt, whip out her wampum, and call Junior over for an impromptu snack. This action causes the other moms to stare at me, visually communicating a “Hello? Like, we’re trying to nurse our young here.”

This territorial battle is now spreading to the entire café. Tigresses have stopped pissing in corners and are now pissing smack dab in the middle of the floor.

And what am I to do? Give up the only indoor space that gives my son room to roam unlike our tiny apartment? Hell no. Instead I’m slowing developing an action I call ‘the glance over’.

For example: Today after retrieving my son as he made a mad dash to exit with a few parents and tots he had previously been tumbling on the floor with, I grabbed him and turned and – WOH! BREAST! Right there in the middle of the café was a large pink nipple attached to a green sweater, and some curly tresses hanging from under one of those military-style baseball hats.

Instead of shrinking in awkward embarrassment as I usually do, I instead applied ‘the glance over’. In one motion, without skipping a beat I simply followed my line of site on past the offending inflammatory.

Hopefully I’ll get so good at this that I’ll even be able to hold a conversation while applying ‘the glance over’ without accidentally biting my tongue. Because I’ll be damned if I let a few moms boob me out of the one place I can have a beer with my bagel.

More tigresses claiming public spaces, a breastfeeding blog, and a bit of dark male humor compliments of Tony Millionaire to go along with this post.

Goldfish and Seuss books and toilets for flushing, these are a few of his favorite things.

1) The goldfish – “Eat, eat, eat!” he says trying to get the goldfish to nibble a bit of apple (or pear, or cracker) through the aquarium glass. When that fails he simply climbs up on the couch, and if were not fast enough the fish will have human food that day.

2) Hop On Pop – Up, cup, cat, hat, are all words he can say sir. Constantinople and Tibuktu he cannot say no way sir. Reading has always been one his favorite forms of play, and now that he can say words (and two word sentences) he’s big on easy books where I read the line, stop at the word he knows and allow him to blurt it out.

3) Stereo receiver – Even before my son started toddling, the electronic equipment in our apartment started mysteriously malfunctioning. CD players stopped playing and DVD players wont power up, but the stereo receiver has survived numerous dramatic volume changes, off/on switches and transformations into a drum machine.

4) The bathroom – The sound of water, normally very soothing, is jarring when you think your toddler’s in a ’safe’ room then you suddenly hear the toilet flushing, or the showerhead being turned on. Note to self: get doorknob fob.

5) Harmonica – We found my old harmonica, and it took him two days to figure out how to use it. “Blow on it like it’s hot.” Since then we’ve been playing Dylan and watching him do his renditions of the tracks on Freewheelin’.

Cool kids ha nihon no okashiga daisuki!

Japan has three great exports: Go-jee-rah; incredibly tiny cell phones; and awesome pre-packaged snacks.

At sixteen months my son gets bored easily with our culinary offerings (we blame it on too much MTV).

“Fruit bars,” he questions with a babble and open handed block, “again!?”

We try to keep his taste buds exited with new treats every so often, but the choices in the local grocery store are very limited.

Then, on a recent outing we strolled into JAS Mart (23rd St. between Park Ave. S. and Broadway) and our choices widened dramatically.

The snack selection is seemingly endless, and my boy went bonkers for the fun, colorful packaging.

A little bit pricier than a 99c jumbo pack of Doritos, the snacks are lightly flavored and there are different options for varied snacking skill levels (chips that melt in your mouth to nuts that have to be nibbled).

Plus when the tot’s done, you can play Mr. Martha and fashion the empty packages into a playful collage poster for his room.

Other JAS Mart locations:
- St. Mark’s Place between Third and Second
- JAS Mart (110th St.) 2847 Broadway

there’s also M2M Mart
- 200 E 11th St
- 2935 Broadway
- 25 W 32nd St

and Japanatorium
- 3rd Ave. in the East Village

* hopefully the above image is not from some animated J-porn

He kisses girls too, so I don’t thinks it’s a sign of early homosexual tendencies (he’s only 16 months), and if it is sela vie.

It’s usually just a peck followed by a loud smooching sound, but growing up in an expressly homophobic society has rendered me hyper-, or is it hypo-, sensitive to issues involving same sex self expression.

Luckily I’ve grown to realize the mistakes I made as a younger man, the friends I could have made but instead shunned.

In this modern metropolitan world, you’d expect me to be the only one concerned with these issues. I am not.

I remember reading a write-in debate in a popular parenting mag on the issue. One mom was horrified that instead of Shaggy, or even Scooby, her toddler son wanted to be Daphne for Halloween. What’s the harm?

I allow my son to kiss boys. And it’s encouraging to see that a majority of the mothers at the baby café we frequent in Williamsburg allow their sons to give and receive kisses openly, to any gender. For in an environment so stigmatized with machismo it is important that our sons are allowed to openly express their emotions, regardless of the recipient’s sex.

It is true that at this age what the boys are expressing is a little immature of emotion, but its better to foster these actions now than wait for the larger society to inject its collective knowledge of violence, horror and brutality into their little brains.

For more radical thouhts on the development of sexual oreintation in children, check out Dr. Sandra Lipsitz Bem’s book An Unconventional Family.

“Sandra Bem’s name is familiar to two decades of behavioral scientists and their students through the Bem Sex Role Inventory, a research and teaching device that measures androgyny. Her earlier Lenses of Gender set out a feminist theory of gender, and the present book describes a practical and personal family experiment deriving from the theory. ” - Publishers Weekly